The last few weeks seem to be one big blur. I think starting when Liza got sick. From that point on things have been crazy. Last night I fell apart. I'm sure the rain had a lot to do with it, but whatever it was caused by- it happened! I realized I had to stop. I had to slow down. I had to sit down and talk to Tyler about something besides Liza. I had to hug him and most of all I had to cry...ugly big tears... All I could tell him was that I felt alone... That sounds so crazy bc I'm never ever alone. I think the only time I'm by myself is from 7am-725 am on my way to work..but somehow I am more lonely than I have been... I feel like I have lost touch with myself... I've lost touch with friends...I've lost touch with my husband...I even feel as though I have lost touch with God...I think this happens to all mothers at some point...We lose our identity because all of our time and effort goes for someone else now... I think I'm tired too and that doesn't help... I went to bed feeling a little bit better, but not good...
I woke up this morning with the plan to make it to church. We have missed a lot lately because Liza naps at 8:30 and ususally sleeps til 10:30 and I HATE waking her from naps... So, Tyler and I decided we would get her up at 10, dress her, and go... PERFECT... yeah right... She didn't go down until 915. I could not make myself wake her at 10:00. So at 9:30 I am walking around mad bc once again we won't make it to church. Tyler went outside to work in his shop and I got on the couch. I had been thinking about a book that my sister posted on instagram. I got the ipad out and googled the author- Jen Hatmaker... The first book to pop up was Out of the Spin Cycle... I clicked on it and the first thing I saw was "Devotions to lighten you mother load" that did it I was in... I continued reading and knew right away I had to read it. I swear the book was written for me. she starts early in the book talking about isolation and lonliness... her words are "never was I more susceptible to isolation than during young motherhood. It can be such a lonely work. Because my personality requires a scheduled routine, for years I fed-dressed-cleaned up-put down for morning nap-lunch-afternoon nap-dinner-bath-bedtime. I'd sit for the first time at 8pm. I was hard to make room for friends." HELLO!!!!!! Can she read my mind? She then went into how from the minute you give birth its like we are entering a mommy competition. This is so true and I hate it. Why is a competition? Why do people compare?
Finally an hour later I stopped reading, but I can't wait to continue tonight... So to all you moms who have ever felt this way...go read this book.. I hope you get as much out of it as I am.
The end of chapter 4 went into praying... she talked about how it doesn't matter how we pray or where or how silly we made sound...just do it...pray for your babies until they are old enough to pray for themselves... she said" sometimes we dont even know what to ask for we just want God's intervention in the lives of our children. Here is some good news- " The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. Forexa,ple, we dont know what God wants us to pray for, but the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. Romans 8:26-27.
Happy Sunday...
xoxo- Liza's mom
