Saturday, January 4, 2014

Looking back...

Dear Liza,
     This morning I was looking at pictures on my Timehop app and thinking back to what our life was like 2 years ago.  You were one week old and as my Facebook post said , I was a nervous wreck.  When the sun went down my anxiety got really really bad. I wanted Cookie here with us the minute it got dark.  I can remember sitting down on the couch  attempting to eat a bowl of potato soup that some wonderful friends had brought over, and the minute it hit my mouth I knew I couldn't eat. I was a ball of nerves.  At the time I wasn't sure why, but today looking back, I know exactly why.  I can remember your sweet daddy saying "I won't eat if you can't" and "What's the matter babe, have you been crying?" and "What can I do to help". He was the best! He still is. We hit the jackpot on daddies!

I remember a time not long from this that I was rocking you in your room, and your Grandmother came over to get something.  I had been rocking you and crying and crying for quite some time.  A part of me was embarrassed, but another part of me wanted her to help.  I'm not sure what she was suppose to do, but I wanted someone to take away all of the fears I had.  I was so scared of messing up.  So scared that I would do something wrong, and no matter how many people told me that this wasn't possible, I was terrified!  I bet I called your Honey 50 times a day just to hear her voice and hear her say "I know exactly how you feel." This was what I needed, I needed to know that she had these same fears and that eventually they went away.(somewhat)

When you were about 8 days old I received a phone call from my doctor who delivered you. At the time we weren't close friends, but she made me feel so much better.  I remember her saying "How do you feel? How is Liza? That is all normal!" One thing she said that I will never ever forget was "You are doing wonderful, and everything you are feeling is completely normal." She continued checking on us often, and today she is one of my best friends. Just the other night when you had your meltdown at Honey's house she sent me a text saying "This is no big deal, Liza's just flexing her muscles and being a two year old.  I promise it's ok!"

Looking back I know everything I did was just fine, but at the time I was so unsure.  Today you are 2 years old.  You are full of life. You love to laugh and make us laugh all the time.  Every day more of your personality comes out. Your manners are wonderful.  You always say mam' (to men and women) and thank you and please.  I still have fears and anxiety, but its not the same kind.  I have grown so much more confident in myself and my ability to care for you.

Yesterday one of my best friends was hurt.  She was hurt because of what someone said.  This person was suppose to be a good friend, but as you will learn throughout life, sometimes those who we think are our friends, really aren't. Life can be so hard Liza, especially as a girl.  There will be a time in your life when you are hurt... Many times... Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn, but just as Honey wrote in  her letter to you, we must surround ourselves with kind people who love us.

So today January 4, 2014, I'm not a nervous wreck like I was 2 years ago.  I'm not emotional.  I'm not staring at you every minute making sure you're breathing.  Instead I 'm praying every single day that I raise you to be kind.  I pray that you see this in me.  I pray that one day when you are hurt, I will be able to comfort you.  I love you more than I ever knew I could love.


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