Fear not...

The last week has been a difficult one.  I have felt just about every emotion.  We lost a dear friend last week and just today we talked about how it still just seems unreal.  How can he really be gone...  If I close my eyes and think of him, I see him in heaven, with that same sweet grin on his face.  This sounds so silly, but in times like these I long to be in heaven.  Of course, I have so much to live for here, but there are times when I wish we could all just go.  The heartache here on earth just seems so cruel somedays.  I often remind myself that our life here is so incredibly short compared to heaven.  For so many years I couldn't wrap my mind around that, but it seems more and more real the older I get. 

Then, the incident in Boston just adds to the emotions.  Something happens when you have a child.  Something deep down inside of me was raging as I was watching the news.  I commented that I wanted to run away with all my loved ones and build a compound and escape all of this.  As I watched the news and saw pictures of the victims I wanted to go get Liza and hold her in my arms.  I didn't want to go to work.  I wanted to stay right here in my "safe place" with everyone I love.  As I left for work on Friday morning I turned to walk down the stairs and couldn't help but notice the sun shining through the clouds.  I sat down right there on the stairs and began talking to God.  I think the first thing out of my mouth was "Why... why is this happening...why do I feel this way...why are you letting all of these horrible things happen to innocent people...what are we suppose to do?"  I have never really heard God speak directly to me...Sure, I have felt like God was trying to tell me things in my life, but never speaking directly to me...At this moment I did... The sun got brighter and brighter and shone directly through the window at the top of the stairs... As clear as day I felt God say "Stand up Spencer...I am here, dont you see me...I am in control" Instantly I had this feeling wash over me...I started thinking about all my kids at school, I'm not sure why but I did.  I picked my bags up and headed down the stairs.  The entire way to work I thought about this and wondered if I had imagined it or if it was real...

This morning in church our preacher began his sermon talking about the events that have occured this week.  He went on to say that in times like this we often want to "take our loved ones and run away and build a compound"  I knew the minute he said it, he was referring to my post on fb.  He ended his sermon with this " So I say to that mother- Instead of wanting to run away in fear, just come on back and fear not, for I am with you"  WOW..Ok ok I get it God, I get it...I heard you Friday morning, but now you are speaking directly to me through the preacher... I hear you.

So with all this being said, no matter how scary things may look and how heartbroken we may feel, God is with us... for this I am forever grateful.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10




Here are a few pictures from our weekend...most of it was spent outside;)

 Liza showing me all her "boo boos" she is one rough girl!

Spring break and blueberries

Where do I start?  One of the many perks to my job is having spring break and summer break.  I knew this would be very important when I had kids.  My mom was always home with Hannah and I during these times, and I plan to do the same.  We had no big plans for our week except that we knew we were going to see the boys in Benton toward the end of the week.  We hung out at home part of the week and saw Daddy off on Thursday morning and then we headed to Benton.  Cookie was there with the boys and from the minute we walked in the house the 3 of them played non stop.  Liza loves Pratt and Max so much.  I love watching the 3 of them together.  On Friday, Cookie and I lost our minds and took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese.  It was fun, but attempting to chase them in 3 different directions was tough.  They were exhausted when we left!  We went to the lake on Friday and then headed home Saturday.  Up until that point it was pretty much smooth sailing for mom. 

All of that changed when Liza spewed blueberries all over my kitchen.  I wish someone had been there to video us.  She was looking at me like "What the heck just happened to me, and where is my paci?"  I was looking at her... and the walls... and the ceiling... and the floor in complete shock.  I know my mouth was wide open.  I seriously was walking in circles holding a baby covered in vomit.  I grabbed my phone and called my mother in law who was here in less than 5 minutes.  When she walked in I still had this look on my face and I kept saying "Oh my goodness...What am I going to do...Oh my goodness... Poor baby!"  She saved the day by coming over to help.  She continued throwing up for an hour and then fell asleep.  I was able to slip zofran in her mouth and 2 hours later she woke up much better.  Still really pitiful, but no more throw up.  It was so hard, but I kept trying to remind myself that people deal with things that are much much more serious and this would be ok.  Late last night I began to feel sick too, but lets just say this I got the "easier" version of the bug. 

With all this being said, I have never been so excited to see Tyler.  We missed him big big big time.  It's just not the same around here without him.  This morning while Liza and I were playing in the playroom I realized this place is just a house without everyone here.  Its really not our home until we are all here together.  I now know I can do it alone  (if I have to)  even with vomit all over me...but I sure do prefer doing it with Tyler.  On another note, Tyler won 1st place at mud nationals! WOO HOO!

Tomorrow is Monday and I will go back to work.  I know I will miss Liza, but I also know that it will be somewhat of a break for me.  I also know that she will have a wonderful day with Sharon.  So I learned a few things this week..#1 if there is a chance you could possibly have the stomach virus do not eat blueberries #2 We wouldn't survive without daddy #3 Having a job makes me a better mom.

XOXO
Liza's mom

Step back

I have sat down several times in the last few days to blog, but I couldn't seem to get the right words out.  In the last week or so my eyes have been opned to so much.  I say this all the time, but I think it's so true- since I've become a mother I look at so many things in life from a different perspective.  I love things that I didn't pay attention to before, I don't have patience for some things, but more than anything I seem to think before speaking (or at least I try to)  For so many reasons, #1 Liza can hear everything I say.  She may not understand it all, but one day very soon she will.  #2 I am more and more aware of other peoples feelings.  I wish I could teach this to my 4th graders. Heck, I wish I would've been more aware of this myself... I'm not referring to saying things out loud in front of others that hurt their feelings, I'm talking about before we speak,take into consideration everyone else's "story." 

Every single time I post a picture on instagram or a post on fb I think about anyone it may effect.  I have friends who have dealt with losses and sicknesses.  I have a best friend who is fighting cancer at this very minute.  My life is so easy right now and I could blink and it could all come falling down, I'm fully aware of this...more aware than ever. When I post pictures of Liza, I think about mothers who have lost their children or never were able to have children of their own.  When I post pictures of Tyler and Liza, I think about friends who have lost their husbands.   I can't stand reading complaints on fb about things that just don't matter.  Or worse than that is bragging.  I.can't.take.it.  I have to force myself to not look, because I know I will say something I shouldn't say. 

I just think we all need to take a step back and examine our lives.  Be completely honest with ourselves.  Be honest with others.  Take the time to listen to someone else's story and their life.  Just a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of doing this.  I was at parent teacher conferences and I had a father completely open up to me.  It was just the two of us in my classroom, and he talked about his childhood and his struggles in school.  He went on to tell me that all he really wanted was to raise respectful kids.  He talked about how he does everything in his power to make their lives easier than his.  It was like time completely stopped.  I sat across the table from this man who had "working man" hand and his name on his shirt and realized that in the last 10 minutes I had learned more from him than he could've ever learned from me.  I wish I could've recorded our conversation and played it for everyone.  At that moment I realized I want Liza to grow up around people like this man.  I want her to see how although we are all so different, we all have so much to offer. 

With all this being said I am so thankful for everyone in my life right now.  Every single person.  You all teach me more than you will ever know, about myself and about the person I am want to be.


XOXO
Liza's mom

sunday funday

days like today make all those hard days disappear.  we didn't do a lot, but what we did do was perfect.  it was just the three of us, all day long.  we went to the dog show this morning, and liza loved it.  i knew she would.  she "woofed" at all the dogs and made friends with a sweet golden retriever named lucy.  by the time we left i was convinced she needed an inside dog.  then i remebered all the dog hair and quickly changed my mind.

 after the dog show, we went to eat lunch.  liza made a new friend.  she loves old people.  she gets that from me.  i could sit and talk to old people forever.  this sweet little lady in andy's came right over and visited with us during our lunch.  they played peek a boo and she told liza all about her great grandchildren. 

our afternoon was spent outside.  the weather was perfect.  axle and addi came out for a while, until addi took off, and then she had to go back in dad's shop.  axle is so gentle with liza.  he follows her all over, and gets as close as he can get without knocking her over.  she loves him more than anything.  i bet she gave him 10 kisses, and then took off running.  he has no idea he is enormous, but he does know that he must be gentle with her. 


i wish i could record days like today.  record our conversation.  record tyler telling liza that she is the most perfect little girl in the whole wide world.  record liza's giggles.  i know there will be days very soon when i will miss this so much.  if i could hit pause, i would.  life has never been so sweet. 

here are a few pics from the dog show...and our afternoon.

xoxo
liza's mom

hugs and kisses



Last night before Liza's bedtime, after getting her all lotioned up and dressed, she was laying on her back on my bed.  This never ever happens, because she pretty much never stops moving unless she is sleeping. I was standing beside the bed by her feet.  I bent down to kiss her and she put those sweet, chubby arms around my neck and squeezed me so tight.  I completely melted.  All of a sudden I realized she is isn't a baby.  There she lay underneath me, I squeezed her back just as hard and with that she opened her mouth and "kissed" me right on the lips.  Unless you have a child, this feeling is foreign to you.  Words can't really explain it.  It's a love that I've never ever felt.  Different from every other love.  I wanted to scoop her up and never let her go.

Tonight as I was rocking her, it happened again.  This time she had my hand.  In the pitch dark we rocked back and forth and for a solid minute she kissed my hand.  Then held it as tight as she could until she fell asleep.  When I laid her down in bed I literally had to pry her sweet little fingers off of mine.  Times like this all I can do is thank God for giving her to me.  I can't believe I've had her for 13 months.  I need moments like these to keep me going.  Some days are so tough, and I often reach that breaking point when I don't think I can continue.  Then she squeezes my neck and I fall to my knees. 

As bad as I miss having a tiny baby, the days just keep getting sweeter.

Happy Friday
XOXO, Liza's Mom

Precious Moments

Fast pace doesn't even begin to describe our life right now.  Not because of jobs or busy schedules, but because we have the busiest/fastest/most energetic child on the face of the earth.  I think when I say this to people, they blow it off and think "oh yeah you have a toddler!" Thats the not the case.  She goes non stop from the time her feet hit the floor to the time she closes her eyes.  I think this is why she sleeps so well.  She sleeps a good 11-12 hours every night and takes 2 good naps during the day.  We joked when she started crawling, that when she began walking, it would be a run.  Well, we were right.  She takes off and is GONE.  She inherited mine and Tyler's energy and just can't stop.

She babbles all.the.time.  Non stop.  She's not really talking yet.  She says dada and dog and cat.  She loves giving kisses.  She opens her mouth as wide as she can get it and lays it on you.  She has started hugging so tight, which is the best!  She is nosey nosey.  Loves pulling everything out of drawers/purses/bags.  When she wakes in the morning or after a nap she picks up the teddy bear in her bed and kisses all over it.  If you pick her up before she does this, she's mad.  She is very very strong willed.  Who in the heck does she get that from?  If she has something and we take it away, she lets us know that is not what she wanted us to do.  It amazes me that she is as smart as she is. Not that I didn't expect it, but it blows my mind that she understands so much.  She knows so many words and exactly what they mean.  Tonight she took my phone.  I told her to go get her phone.  She turned right around, walked over to her little car and got her phone.  It's crazy that she is that big. 

Every stage seems to get a little better.  She is so loving now.  She buries her head in my legs when she wants to be picked up...Lays her head on my shoulder and kisses my face...Runs to me when I get home from work...Squeezes my neck right before I lay her down at night...It's better than I ever imagined.

My goal for the new year was to have more patience.  I feel like so far I have been successful.  I'm not saying I haven't lost my patience at all, but I think I've done better.  Tyler is so much better at this than I am.  He is so calm, and even if he's about to pop, no one knows it.  Me on the otherhand- everyone knows it. 

So often at night when I'm rocking her or even after I have put her to bed I stay in her room and do a lot of thinking.  I think about how far I've come in a year.  I think about how I love her so much it hurts.  I think about how lucky and thankful I am to be her mother, but more than anything I think about how scary this job is.  This is a life, that I'm in charge of.  There is so much I want to do.  There are so many things I want to teach her.  It is without a doubt overwhelming. 

I look around at school at all of my 9 and 10 year ols and think about all the wonderful traits that they have.  Their parents worked hard for that.  They have turned into wonderful children with so much to offer.  My prayer is that someday one of Liza's teachers will say the same.  One of the most important traits is kindness.  I will do everything in my power to teach her this.  To teach her that we are all equal, but in order for her to truly understand this, she has to see it in me. 

I've said this before, my life has so much more meaning with Liza.  She makes me want to better in so many ways.  I never knew I could love anyone so much.



XOXO
Liza's mom

Santa, Parties, and NYE

Somehow the holidays are over.  Christmas seems like one big blur, mainly because we've all been sick in the Knox house.  It started with me the day before Christmas.  Head/throat/fever stuff.  Then I passed it onto poor Liza.  She started running fever the day after Christmas and was sick until the day after her birthday :(  She was so pitiful.  When she has fever she is just so different from her normal self.  From Tuesday until Friday she just laid on me.  I debated on cancelling her party and rescheduling, but thankfully her fever broke on Friday and Saturday morning she was a little better.  She definetly wasn't herself, but a huge improvement.  So on Friday afternoon, I called our cupcake girl and told her the party was on.  By this point Tyler was sick.  He went to bed around 6:30 Friday night and I was in a mad dash to finish all of the last minute party things.  I have spent monthS planning this party and in the middle of all this caos it was going to happen! At 1 in the morning I finally went to bed.  Woke up at 6 and we had a party at 11.  It really was perfect. (minus sick daddy)  She got so many wonderful books.  Some were passed down from family members.  Some people picked out their favorite book as a child.  Some had sweet notes written inside of them.  Pop Pop even bought one of those recordable books. (which makes me cry)  Hannah (Honey) made Liza her own "box" to keep all her letters in.  In the Pratt house that was very important.  I still have my box and still to this day I love to pull it out and read old letters.  So in the end Christmas was kind of a blur with the snow and sickness, but the birthday party was great.  We had a friend come take pictures, and I can't wait to get them all back!

For New Years Eve, Liza stayed with Cookie, Pop Pop, and Pratt.  She and Pratt had so much fun.  We went to El Dorado to eat dinner with some friends.  Friends that we made in 2012.  One of them being my doctor who delivered Liza.  She and I clicked from the beginning and have become close friends.  Tyler and her husband are so much alike its scary.  My precious friend Corrie was there too, and her wonderful husband.  Corrie and I also met this year and I feel like she's been my best friend for years.  It was special to get to spend New Years with her.  She is the strongest person I know and is fighting the hardest battle I have ever witnessed, but she's winning.  She is so inspiring and makes me want to be a better person.  2013 is going to be her year, I just know it.  2012 sure wasn't easy for her, but she has fought every single step of the way. 

Since it is a new year I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I want for this year and I've tried to narrow it down.  I want to have more patience, with Liza, Tyler, my school kids, just everyone.  I also want to slow down.  (if you know me well this is very hard)  The first year of Liza's life flew by and I regret not slowing down and taking more in.  I let small day to day things get in the way.  I have to stop.  Before I know it she will be starting school and I will wonder where our time went.  My mom brought me a box of my old things that she found and when I opned the box I found a book that my parents gave me when I was 12.  Inside my dad wrote a note and in that note he said "You have blessed our lives more than you will ever know and until you have a child of your own you will never know the love we have for you."  I fell apart reading this because he is so right.  I knew they loved me, but until I had Liza I couldn't imagine the love they feel for Hannah and I.  A year ago today I was learning how to take care of a new baby.  I was so scared and anxious.  I did a lot of crying and praying, and we made it.  We made it a year with a healthy, happy baby girl.  We made mistakes here and there, but we succeeded.  "We" being the key word.  I couldn't have done it alone.  Tyler is more than I could've ever asked for.  He knows just when to step in or  when to walk away.  Our days haven't always been easy.  Looking back the first 2 years of our marraige was so easy, but like he said last Friday night "our life has so much more meaning now."  My friend Corrie said something one day that will stick me forever.  We were discussing how children change everything and she said "When I had my first baby I told myself, I will always support my husband in any decision he makes when it comes to my children, because after all I chose him to be their father.  I could've chosen anyone, but he's the one I chose, so therefore I will always support him" What a HUGE statement, but so so so true.  See, isnt' she wonderful...Yep.

Here are a few pics from the holidays.  As soon as I get the birthday pictures back I will post them.  Happy New Year my friends.  Let's be patient and take the time to enjoy the ones we love.

XOXO...

                              Christmas night at Cookie's

                     

                        She loves her chase me kitty

                                            

             P loves his new car... Max- not so sure

Opening gifts at Grandmothers

                                                
                                      Birthday morning...sweet baby

                                                        
                                    P and Liza hanging at the party

                                              
                                    So much I could say about this picture

                                        Preview of the party

Our sweet birthday girl...Happy Birthday Liza Kate